I thought I had it all planned out. Nothing was the truth. I held on to a lie, and the lie wouldn’t turn me loose. I created what I thought people would want so that they could want me. I was seeking validation, and when that validation found me, it did everything that I was doing times three. So, I married it and thought if I be what it wanted me to be and do what it wanted me to do, then everything would be complete. Nope, that’s not how it ended because I was raised differently. I have experienced a lot of things over the lifetime of me, and if any of you who are reading this and I have hurt your feelings or did something, please forgive me because my past is not the woman I am to be. I don’t believe people forget things; we just choose to remember what we want. I just know part of my layers—the girl I was in high school—partially held me back in adulthood because I never could forgive myself, and the world we live in doesn’t want you forgiven when life isn’t all that for themselves.
I’m sorry, I drifted off into the Spirit; it wanted me to get something out of the way before I dive deep. I’m letting you know that these layers will take some time to release. Now back to the past lies that had me tangled into deep. I held on to them because I believed it was all that I had for me. Have you ever messed up so bad that you couldn’t get up out of it, and you go day in and out just living it? Well, I decided to run. I thought if I couldn’t make a life where I was at, because everything there reminded me that I messed up so GOODBYE Miami. Kids and all, we were leaving. A part of me believed if I found a place for my family, including my ex-husband back then, he would come with us, but that idea was short-lived; I got a hard no (but that’s another layer for another day). Besides my day ones, nobody was checking for us anyway. So 10 years went by long and hard, but it didn’t go down the drain. Remember, I was raised different. I’m a daddy’s girl; always will be, but I had never been on my own completely. I always had it in me because my parents taught me well (Christian lifestyle), but why do things differently when family will always be there? But I did.
Out of those 10 years, just me and my kids, my voice was still not as strong as it should have been. I experienced life like never before because I thought I missed out on what everyone else experienced since I was raised in the church. My family (me & my kids) met people who took advantage of me because I still couldn’t see how more than enough I already was. I had built relationships with men and women, and most of them sucked. For the relationships that went well and are still growing beyond the distance, they know who they are; they don’t need any further introduction.
I said “my family” a lot because it was just me and my kids. It was the whole deal or no deal. This concept is a very damaging way to live, but for me, I couldn’t just ask someone to watch my kids, so wherever I went, they did. I had to learn how to enjoy life as it is. I couldn’t allow everyone else’s way of doing things or what society deemed right to control or bend me out of shape. I had to learn and be okay with my children’s journey. If one of my kids was hardheaded, that was my hardheaded child that I had to deal with. It doesn’t make me less of a mom or even try to compare myself with a mom whose child has great manners. Working didn’t come easy for me, especially being a single mom, and working with 5 kids depending on me meant I could lose my job at any given moment. Probably wondering how, because with 5 kids and choosing to live miles away from family, who else am I going to call? I couldn’t call Ghostbusters because they don’t work for my line of care. But God… He showed up all the time. I probably wasn’t ready yet, but He still showed up.
I hope I haven’t lost you; I just need you to remember that it started off with a lie, and in order to free yourself, you have to tell the TRUTH. My truth, the truth is I was looking for validation. I kept doing things and doing things to prove my existence; to prove I can be a great wife, to prove I can be a great director, a great mother, and a friend when really no one saw me. No one saw me because I didn’t see my own self. I saw myself the way that people wanted to see me in order for me to serve them and their pleasures and selfish ideas. I was selfish; they were selfish. I was attracting the very thing I was projecting. I was over it, and the Fall of my life had to happen to know I was stronger in Christ, and He had never left me through it all. If you’re wondering about the Fall, just follow my blessings. My blessings will tell you of His story.
11 years later, 3 high schoolers and 2 middle schoolers, and I’m finally seeing myself. The woman who would drive herself to the skating rink. The woman who had fashion in her bones but made the choice to be a mom. The woman who had the vision to have her own community center, optimist youth football team but was afraid to go big about a school she once went to. My voice was always strong, and my visions were always clear. My mission was given at birth; She walks with God, fully trusting Him. All I had and must do was just walk with Him.
So, here’s to Layers and allowing the Truth to set me free. I’m not here to tell of my past, rather to catch up on all the truth I already had within me to share with others. I have nothing to hide because He has already forgiven me. This journey now is for anyone who can be or has been stuck or feels alone like I used to be. You’re not alone —– that still voice you hear —— just breathe and listen to God’s unchanging hand. Lies are hard to get rid of, whether you tell them or feed them to yourself. It’s not what you say out of your mouth that’s the most detrimental, but what you think in your mind and believe with your heart. My mind and heart are free. It doesn’t change what has happened in the past, but it does push me forward to do what God has planned because all things work together for my family good because we love the Lord.
Layer —— Released
So again, Welcome to Layers of Me.
Leave a comment